Thursday, July 13, 2006

Atrocious first lines

Culture Vulture is running a contest where you ought to write the first line of a prospective crappy novel. Seriously!

This is in dedication to the writing of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, famed for the starting lines, It was a dark and stormy night, which have invited much ridicule since time immemorial. Read about an annual fiction contest dedicated to him here.

Meanwhile, yours truly put in a few lines as part of the Guardian contest. Here they go:

He said he jonesed for jumping off the balcony so he could fall to his death in a graveyard of unaccomplished dreams where the lights of the pains he had endured would lead him to a pleasant extinction glimmering in its redemptive power.

Deciding to buy the flowers herself, Emma wondered aloud, "Am I to witness love's depredations on my body and soul even as I try conjuring times when making love made love wholesome, or is this", she paused, arranging the rose in the center of the pot, "is this another grand design to take my life to a higher, divine plane, where lighthouses shine in reflected glory and castles harbour rewards of heroism?"

Now that his father was dead, Jones was free to smoke weed all night without worrying about the effects of passive smoking on that grand old man with pulmonary asthma, but no sooner he relaxed in the thought that his inner voice chided,"You idiot!".

My personal favorite is the second one, with apologies to Virginia Woolf.

Another one, and I quite like this one as well:

As the boys on the screen hissed, "Ah..oh...ah...oh..yeah!," Alan wondered how he derived a greater solace from watching porn than simple lust would allow, and it was this thought that launched The Line of Beauty.

No comments: